Ughhhhhh! Today is the first time I’ve been back to the doctor since the miscarriage. I didn’t realize walking back into the office would make me so emotional. Apparently the embryo was normal so nowwww the question is what’s wrong with me and why I couldn’t sustain the pregnancy? There should be a separate space for IVF patients in the doctors office. I don’t wanna see all these happily pregnant bitches walking around! Well some of them look miserable...but you get the point. I just want this over.
Oh, and because I was rushing I forgot my cute socks. I have some 'ol school white Hanes tube socks I’ll have to put on. I’ll be damned if I put these bare feets in those stirrups. They also have this bulletin board with blue and pink papers showing allll the recent babies that have been born. Where are the half sheets of paper for people who were almost there but didn’t quite make it? I'm fully aware my thoughts now are selfish but my feelings are my feelings.
The anxiety alone is hard to handle. I have no idea how I'll move on from this, but I know it has to happen. The thing is, although something told me not to attach to these embryos, I still didn't expect for them not to make it. It's like I knew they weren't going to make it, but I didn't want to sound morbid in front of my husband and family. The internal pain I felt wasn't just for the loss of the baby, it was the thought of having to start all over again and the agony of knowing we we would have to shell out another ridiculous amount of money. I refused to cry in the office so I held it together until I got to the car and I lost it! I mean...the ugly cry you have when you asking God for forgiveness.
Maybe one day I'll get a pink or blue paper announcing my baby....or maybe not...that's the harsh reality.
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